Category Archives: Personal

Love Unexpected Part Deux

I’ve spoken before about friendships that happen when you least expect them.  And now I have another story to tell.

As we were rolling into summer, a friend called and asked if I could take over dog-walking duties for her.  I had walked Ruffles, the dog in question, a few times before.  Lynne needed to head out west to see her parents and I had not much going on so I said sure!

The plan was that I would walk him for two weekends and then he would move to a new home while his then-owner got ready to move into a nursing home.  That was the plan.

Two weeks turned into another two and then an on-going commitment.  Weekends only became weekdays as well for awhile.  And we decided to open a bakery.

As we rolled into September, I started to panic a little.  There are two major food festivals here that we need participate in.  Lynne’s parents needed more help and more time than she had reckoned and Ruffles still needed his walk. 

One day, his owner, Pat, started talking about her plans for the future, her need to stop living on her own.  “I’m a hazard!” she’d say with a grin as she shuffled around her kitchen.  Living alone was getting harder and harder for her.  I worried that she’d fall.   As gently as I could, I asked what her plans were for Ruffles when a space became available for her.  Silence and then, very quietly, “He’ll have to be euthanized.”

“How sad will that make you?”

“I try not to think about it.”

I wrestled with my conscience for a moment.  Alan and I had sort of talked about it.  But in all the work setting up the bakery, we hadn’t actually reached a conclusion.

Shit.

“We can’t let that happen.” I told her.  “If you don’t have anyone else when the time comes, we’ll take him.”

You know when they say, a weight lifted from someone’s shoulders?  I literally saw it happen.  That woman was three inches taller when I left that day.

And how cool is it that when I said to Alan, “I told Pat we’ll take Ruffles when the time comes.  That’s OK, right?” he just said, “Yuh.”

Well, Pat’s space came available and on Saturday night, we became dog people.  The timing is terrible.  Huge food festival this weekend.  Tons of work and exhaustion.  Plus we leave for Paris on Monday, a trip we planned ages ago. (Thank goodness for our friend Maxine who will take him in, love him up and spoil him rotten while we’re away.)  But you know what?  Now that he’s here, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I wake up in the morning to his little cartoon face smiling at me, wondering if it’s time for a walk or a cuddle.  He hangs out in the kitchen when Alan’s cooking.  He makes friends wherever he goes.

We never planned to get a dog, he just wandered into our life and needed us. 

And you know, some of the best decisions I’ve ever made were ill-considered and badly thought through, made in a moment of clarity when something deep inside of me just said “Do this!” and all the sensible parts of me  smacked their foreheads and gave up. 

How about you?  Do you plan your life carefully and sensibly or do you follow that anarchic voice inside?  And which do you prefer?

Celebrating Downie Street Bakehouse

You’ve all been so wonderfully patient over the last little while as Alan and I got the bakery ready to launch.  It’s been a long process, full of blog-fodder, which I will be writing about over the next few weeks.

We have just now passed our final inspections.  Alan is firing up the mixer as we speak and we will be open for business at 8:00 AM tomorrow.  If anyone’s from London, Ontario, you can find him at the Western Fair Farmer’s Market.  I will be dusting off my super-hero persona – Shop Girl – and running things at the bakery.

Thank you so much for your patience, support and encouragement. 

Semi-regular posting will resume fairly soon.

Occasional Bouts of Irrational Depression

I’ve always taken a fairly gothic view of life.  When we were little, my sister would be all “Puppies! And unicorns! And rainbows!!!”  And I’d be all “Death.”

It should be no surprise then, that I am occasionally depressed.  I’ve had the therapy.  I’ve tried the herbs.  That went so spectacularly badly that I’m not gonna try the drugs, thank you. 

The Reiki’s been a huge help.  Massive.  To the point where I thought I’d beat it for good. 

So I was a little surprised when it finally dawned on me the other day that it’s not actually the heat. OR the humidity.  Nope.  It’s my old friend depression, slowing my steps and making me tired beyond all reason.

It’s not really that bothersome anymore.  I’m really, really lucky.  My run-ins are minor.  And fairly manageable.   But they do make it difficult to form sustained, coherent thought.  Or, once formed to get them down in writing.  Like, in a blog post.

There’s no reason for this latest bout.  No one’s died. I haven’t lost my job.  Exciting things are happening.  Life is great.  But still I am depressed.

It will pass. 

I know a lot of you understand this. 

I read your blogs.  I see your comments.  I am not alone in this struggle.  And neither are you.

Sometimes we need to take a break.  To cut ourselves some slack.  To rest.

And to admit that this time, the beast wins the round.

Celebrating Exhaustion

No, but it’s a good exhaustion, full of creativity and plans and occasional paint splatters…

I miss you all.  Can’t wait to get back to regular posting just as soon as I am able.  In the meantime, I hope you have a lovely weekend!

Celebrating Grief

My sister Eileen died 14 years ago today, after an excruciating night, from Hepatitis B, a disease she was never supposed to catch, that once caught, was never supposed to kill her.

Her death ended a part of my life.  The safe part.  The part that did not yet know grief.

And here’s the thing ab0ut grief (I think about it a lot in May, what with Mother’s Day and Eileen’s anniversary).  It’s not when life is crap that you feel it most.  Not after the initial flush, anyway.  Once it’s faded, you face the bad times bravely.  And alone.  It’s the good times that almost kill you.  They’re the times you want to get on the phone, or jump in the car and go share your joy, shout your glad tidings to the ones you’ve loved.  And lost.

And just when you think it’s over and you’ve put the worst of it behind you, something happens along and kapblooie, you’re right back at it.   Grieving.

We all mark these things in our own way.  My aunt lights a candle every year on the anniversary of my cousin Deanie’s death.  My mother didn’t believe in candles or shrines or marking the day.  I can remember a moment of awkward silence the first time I saw a photo of my sister Patty, who died before I was born,  and asked “who’s that?”

You learn to respect these differences, to tread carefully the land around people’s hearts.

After 14 years, grief gets a little raggedy.   Something that those who don’t know it, don’t know you, didn’t know her might think you should cast off, be done with.  But after 14 years, you have so little else left of this person who once meant the world to you.  Everything else has been worn down and misplaced.  Lost.  After 14 years, grief is really all you have left to give.  And so you give it freely.  And you celebrate it, with tears and candles and weird Facebooks posts that maybe three people in the whole world will understand.

Because it is a part of life.  The part that sucks.  The part that makes us human.

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